Dance, Rampant Anxiety and Feeling Vulnerable – Kerry-Ann Stanton

Writing these articles is a life lesson all on its own! As I ruminate, cogitate, prevaricate, let the general themes of pre-occupation float through me, they sometimes resolve and disappear from desire to write about! Other times I find myself reticent to share at the level the contemplations require. Although I do know some of you, in reality I am writing for (or sharing my writing with) a select, yet unknown, audience. Yet I am drawn to write from the honest place of the moment.

As I sift through my current contemplations; the ludicrous nature of being human, the ebb and flow of life as death, birth and marriage occur in my family, aging issues creeping closer, I realise that anxiety is at the forefront. In fact running rampart on most fronts of my life. Amidst all the self-judgements about how I could and should be managing better, is the awkwardness of re-visiting this again in my writing; the awkwardness of sharing myself in this less than desirable state.

I might add that in my day to day life it feels more edge tipping than awkward! I feel weary of pulling endless rabbits out of endless hats. The magic wand is bent out of shape and the magician is too!

And I realise I feel vulnerable; vulnerable to falling apart, vulnerable to critique, vulnerable to lashing out or withdrawing.

Naming vulnerability and realising how vulnerable I feel is proving helpful. It makes sense given the life events occurring around me. It reminds me that some of my anxiety is well-founded. It reminds me to be wary of tarring all of my life with the brush of anxiety. It reminds me that I know that anxiety is a human response to all the uncertainty in our lives. Naming vulnerability coaxes me to take care of myself, to take care of how I relate to others and to take care of no more than I can manage in any given day.

The Dalai Lama is quoted, “We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder. You always have the choice”.

I crawled home from the week on Friday and I danced. I put on piano music** I wouldn’t usually think to dance to and I let myself be moved; in, around and through. Why dance? When I choose to dance it provides me a pathway through the anxiety. Gradually the dance works its magic, restoring my breath, my sense of centre and I feel softer and more kindly toward life; vulnerable yes; more resourceful definitely. The magician and her wand can access grace and flow.

Thanks for reading. Vulnerability reminds me that we are all in this life together.

Arohanui
Kerry-Ann

** ‘GLOW’ by Chris Abrahams